What has a finish line? The Boston marathon. A horse race. A book.

Sex, my friends, does not!

Aren’t orgasms pleasurable?

Indeed, the majority of orgasms are pleasurable. But not all are.

Introducing: bad orgasms, forced orgasm, and painful orgasms.

Orgasms during consenting sex that "have negative impacts on the relationship, sexuality, and/or psychological health" are referred to as bad orgasms.

The kinky, consenting technique of a Dominant "making" their subject orgasm may be known as forced orgasm.

However, sexologist Maria Rachel Stonckton claims that the phrase is also applied to orgasms that occur when a person does not consent. (An orgasm during a sexual attack, for example).

Painful orgasms, also referred to as dysorgasmia, are precisely what they sound like: orgasms that give the orgasm-haver bodily agony.

Anja Malbeck, LCSW, a trauma-focused therapist and sexuality educator, points out that beyond these three unpleasant orgasm categories, orgasms can be disappointing to the person experiencing them if they differ from expectations or orgasms (i.e., if they are shorter, quicker, less intense, etc. than intended).

According to Malbeck, "it can be a really complicated (and unpleasant) experience if someone's physical orgasmic experience causes shame, is connected to traumatic experiences, or makes them feel so vulnerable that it makes them self-conscious afterward."

So what’s the difference between pleasure and orgasm?

Good question!

According to Malbeck, a clinical orgasm is defined as a special instance of "a release of tension and energy, muscle contractions (particularly in the genital region), and an elevated heart rate."

But pleasure is more about the trip than it is about a single point in time or place.

They claim that while an orgasm can fall within the category of pleasure, it is not the only thing that exists there.

An alternative perspective is that an orgasm is the dinner mint at the conclusion of a five-course meal. The entire meal, from the bread basket to the entrée to the dinner mint, is pleasurable.

Then why are sex and orgasm basically synonymous at this point?

“There are various reasons, but a lot of them boil down to misogyny, frankly,” says Malbeck. More on this below.

How the mainstream defines sex

What qualifies as sex is far more inclusive and expansive than just a P going in a V.

Unfortunately, many of us were taught that sex starts when a penis enters a vagina and ends when it exits, post-ejaculation.

In other words, the whole shebang is defined around the male orgasm. Ugh.

The new focus on the “orgasm gap”

The term “orgasm gap” was coined to highlight the fact that during heterosexual intercourse, men orgasm far more frequently than women.

According to research, straight men experience orgasms 95% of the time, compared to only 65% for straight women.

The term's existence has greatly contributed to raising awareness of this disparity.

However, it has also given rise to a group of people who are determined to show that they are not “one of those people” who are solely focused on their personal payoff. Rather, they demand (read: insist) that their spouse climaxes at any costs.

Researchers refer to this as the "orgasm imperative."

Orgasms in particular for Vulva owners have been neglected for far too long, so it might sound like a good thing.

However, there's a big difference between needing your partner to orgasm in order for you to feel competent and/or fulfilled in a sexual relationship, and desiring to assist your partner in having an orgasm.

Sadly, a large number of people belong to the second group. According to Sarah Dayton, a seasoned sex educator and the proprietor of Early to Bed, a Chicago-based pleasure goods firm that delivers globally, when their partner doesn't orgasm, their ego is hurt.

According to her, individuals frequently experience intensely negative emotions that increase the pressure on their partners to climax during their subsequent sex sessions.

Orgasms have become the mark of a successful sexual experience

Whether it’s work, sports, or sex, we’re a very goal-driven culture, says Dayton.

“Orgasms have become the goal of sex,” she adds. “So it makes sense that sex-havers would seek out that sense of accomplishment.”

Orgasm produces quality films and porn.

Almost every sexual scene in a movie, whether it's PG-13 or X-rated, ends with an orgasm.

More precisely: theatrical, simultaneous orgasms that occur in a range of three to five minutes, max.

Many people feel inadequate if or when their sexual interactions don't follow a similar narrative, even if these mediums are meant to entertain rather than (sex) educate.

The short response is, "They feel good."

Stewart claims that orgasms are enjoyable. "Therefore, it's a fairly normal reaction to want to experience that wonderful feeling repeatedly after having an orgasm."

Is focusing on orgasms really that horrible of a thing?

Desiring to orgasm is not the same as being orgasm-focused.

Malbeck believes, "wanting to orgasm isn't a bad thing."

But it is when the orgasm takes center stage during sex. Why? Due to the fact that the urge to "achieve" orgasm frequently comes at the expense of:

safety
well-being
respect
connection
intimacy

And perhaps most important to this discussion: pleasure.

“Typically, when you take the focus off orgasm and instead put it on shared pleasure, you’re often able to enjoy all sensations more,” says Dayton.

What if you’ve never had an orgasm — is this an issue?

According to Malbeck, "it's only a problem if it's something that's bothering or disturbing you." Some people are content that they never experience orgasms. Others find it upsetting.

Primary anorgasmia is the medical term for never having experienced an orgasm *and* feeling upset about it.

Research indicates that 5 to 10 percent of vulva owners have primary anorgasmia, which is far more prevalent than you might think.Only 4–15% of those who have penises actually do.

Primary anorgasmia, according to Malbeck, is frequently brought on by factors like stress or inadequate stimulation.

In these cases, orgasm can often be achieved through a combination of:

masturbation
sexual exploration
adequate communication with sexual partner(s)
meditation
other stress relief

They add, "Placus floor dysfunction, trauma, and shame can also interfere with orgasm."

A pelvic floor therapist or sex therapist who is trauma-informed may be required in these situations.

What ought to you do in its place?

Uncertain about what sex could entail without visiting the O-zone? Here are a few concepts.

Take the risk of penetrating play.

Honestly, the word "foreplay" is garbage. It suggests that the "before stuff" is all that exists before engaging in penetrating sex.

This advice, then, is all about giving all the enjoyable things you used to put off because they fell under the "before stuff" category a higher priority.

Dayton says, "You can kiss, make a dry hump, rub, talk sexy, masturbate, mutually masturbate, read erotica, perform oral, etc."

Take up studying for fun.

Malbeck advises, "Don't be scared to read up on pleasure versus orgasm—that's part of the learning process."

Some helpful books to consider include:

Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good (Emergent Therapy) by Adrienne Maree brown
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD
The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Source of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin
Solo Sex: A Workbook for Your Erotic Self by Afrosexology
The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners by Charlie Glickman, PhD, and Aislinn Emirzian
Unf*ck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating (5-Minute Therapy) by Faith Harper, PhD, LPC-S, ACS, ASN
Mind the Gap by Karen Gurney

Quit asking about orgasm

If “Are you close?” “Did you orgasm?” “You orgasmed, right?” and “Cum for me” are common phrases of your coital chit-chat, it’s time to give your dirty talk game a makeover.

Try instead:

“Does this feel good for you?”
“What can I do to bring you pleasure right now?”
“I want to make you feel good.”
Odds are, by focusing on your partner’s pleasure, they will in fact orgasm. These new phrases help de-emphasize the orgasm.

What if you truly desire to experience or induce an orgasm?

Hey, just do it! We're not advocating that you never experience an orgasm. All we're saying is that pleasure should take precedence over orgasm. Here are some tips to help you with both.

Change your perspective about orgasms.

Dayton states, "Remember that you cannot cause someone to experience an orgasm." "All you can do is assist them in getting there on their journey."

With any luck, this reframe will relieve some of the pressure that ruins enjoyment.

Investigate fresh orgasmic methods.

"Your sex tends to follow the same patterns that have proven to make you and your partner orgasm in the past when you're focused on orgasm," adds Stewart. She suggests a switcheroo because of this.

"Change up your posture, the toy you use, where you have sex, and what body parts you use to stimulate each other."

Consider edging.

Edging, also referred to as orgasm denial, consists of repeatedly building up to an orgasm and then pulling back. The theory is that the orgasm will be extremely powerful when it eventually occurs.

Yes, the big O is still the focus of edging. However, it necessitates intense communication, mutual trust, and physical awareness in a way that the average O may not.

Orgasms can be great, but they’re not everything

No doubt, orgasms can feel freaking awesome. But sex ft. orgasms isn’t necessarily more pleasurable, intimate, connected, or satisfying than sex where orgasms do not occur.

On the contrary, over-focusing on orgasm can hijack great sex from all those sought-after adjectives.

And that’s exactly why making pleasure — not orgasm — the point can make the whole thing way better.